last year's birthday
“Okay... uhm... I will pretend that it’s just you and me here... let’s both pretend that there’s nobody around. Just you and me - talking eye to eye...” Chloe finally gave in to Andrew’s bickering.
Chloe nearly choked. She turned from pale white to red. She blushes easily. That has always been one of her problems. Even if a stranger would ask her the time, she would blush while saying the time. She gets nervous easily.
After taking a deep breath, she looked Andrew in the eye and said, “Yes. Very much.”
Andrew prevented himself from looking at his best friend’s eyes or at anyone for that matter. It was just he and Chloe. There’s nobody else around. The people surrounding them prevented from gasping or reacting as well. It was a breakthrough for Chloe. They all looked at the best friend though and they saw her looking at her shoe and kicking invisible dust.
Andrew was in fire. He uttered the next question.
The ever-short question that can come with so many answers. “Why?”
Chloe was sweating now. She doesn’t know how long she can ignore the fact that they may be staring at her. She’s torn between wanting to see Cyan’s reaction and being swallowed by sweet earth that moment. This wasn’t how she wanted it to be. She wanted it to be Cyan’s eyes that she’s looking in to when she answers the question. But she can’t.
“I dunno...” such stupid answer but it was all that Chloe could think of at that time, if she was thinking at all. It seemed that Chloe was letting her heart speak without the help of her mind.
“That’s not an answer...” Chloe could hear Lian whisper. She tried not to look at Lian and smack her in the face. This was all Lian’s idea. It was Lian who arranged this meeting. She secretly copied Cyan’s number from Chloe’s phonebook and communicated with Cyan. Chloe nearly died earlier when she saw Cyan.
“I’m sorry, Chloe but I cannot accept that answer.” Andrew frowned.
“Back in college, I had this favorite professor in Philippine Literature...” Chloe said, as if talking to herself.
“Don’t divert the conversation, Chloe.” Andrew’s eyebrows were now rising.
“I’m trying to explain why I don’t know why I like your best friend, Andrew...” Chloe cleared her throat nervously.
“My favorite professor... he was unconventional. He would go in the classroom and would simply say, “Write something” and then he would leave the room and return when it’s 5 minutes from dismissal time already. There was a time when he came in and just gave us a piece of chalk and told us to write anything on the blackboard. Anyway, one day, he came in and asked the class, “Who here has a girlfriend?” There were only like 6 guys in the classroom and only 2 raised their hands. He asked the first one, “Why do you love your girlfriend?” The guy smirked – he was only an irregular student, we were a block section, I don’t even remember his name already... - and said, “Who said that I love her?” Of course, everybody laughed. Such honesty, huh?" Chloes paused and smirked.
She then continued with, "The professor then turned to the other one - he was our friend and his girlfriend is our classmate and friend, too – and asked him “Why do you love your girlfriend?” He replied, shyly and almost a mumble, “I don’t know...” Our professor smiled. He said, “Good answer.” He then took a look around the room, with the slightest smile in his face, and said, “That is love.” He then sat on his table and said “When you start knowing or having a firm definition of why you love someone, then that is not love anymore. You can say, “I love her because she’s kind...” what if there are days when she’s not kind, does that mean that you don’t love her anymore? Love has no boundaries...” Then he asked everybody to write anything and read it aloud. I remember writing “Burning fire. Cold evening. Sweet Misery.” anyway... that was it... That’s love. And I would like to think that is the reason why I couldn’t really answer why I really like your friend. All I know is that I like her more and more everyday...”
There was silence after Chloe’s last word.
They could hear the car screeching, the coughing of the lady on the other table, a kid crying... and they could hear their souls and Chloe’s heart pounding.
After a while, Andrew took off his eyeglasses and wiped the lenses with his handkerchief. He wore it again and looked at Chloe’s eyes once more. Her eyes now seemed more relax... to the point of serenity. He sort of envied the peace he is seeing in her now... the peace that can only be achieved when you’ve let go of something so intense.
“You said that you like her more and more everyday. You’ve known each other for quite some time now. Do you love my best friend already?” He had to keep on with the pretense of honesty since this is what he came here for.
Chloe smirked. The nervous in her eyes went back.
“I don’t want to...” another stupid answer.
“I’m not asking you if you want to love Cyan. I’m asking you if you love Cyan already...” was Andrew’s follow-up.
“Uhm... how do I say this? I am keeping my heart away... this is a very difficult situation I am in. I’m trying not to love Cyan. I don’t want to... because it may be too painful... reality says that I shouldn’t... in my dreams, I should because... this is difficult. To love without any guarantees... yes, I am not loving unconditionally here... I am only human... I don’t want to love Cyan... not yet... unless Cyan gives me permission to.” was Chloe’s garbled answer. She laughed and paused while talking.
Chloe grabbed a cigarette and lighted it with her hand trembling furiously. Lian took the lighter from her and lighted the cigarette for her as well. She then took Chloe’s hand and just held it.
posted by gail @ 11:43 AM
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